I know its long done and well passed, but sometimes it feels weird.
Sometimes I think to myself, what would I do the next time someone like that comes along my path. Feelings would definitely and inevitably occur, but when I think about it sometimes I worry.
It’s not like me to worry too much about something because I just choose to sort the situation out as fast as I can, but when it comes to these thoughts…Its just hard. I worry about being able to…share my feelings and past [all over again]. I don’t know why but it seems easily done with friends. You make a friend and they eventually get to know you, but why is it that when I think about someone who I might get affectionately involved with, I feel like closing up again.
I am glad, because I did learn how to say and confide what I were feeling. Before, confiding in someone would be such a hassle for me. It would literally feel like there was a thick brick in my throat and my heart would just beat faster as I would try to talk, because I would want to burst out and say it, but then there was this crazy strength within that stopped me and it would take it all back in and store it deep within me. And since this occurred often I started becoming ok with it, but for the first time, someone unexpected came around and just bought that sentimental side out of me. And for the first time…I liked it. Why was it so hard for me to do it myself?…Well he did push me, but I guess I just got used to it.
But why do I want to close up again? Trust issues? NAH. Yes I was hurt, but I don’t think that is my issue. I think it is the whole idea of the process. Starting from the very beginning. Right now, the thought of it makes me feel…extremely uncomfortable.
But I think that when the time comes it will happen…hopefully.
I do hope that whoever I end up with next will be worth being and spending time with. And I hope he understands because I am one hard-headed girl when it comes to this mushy stuff. I’m not mushy. I’m a rock…..secretly……wanting to be cracked haahaaha