I don’t know if what I felt when you were leaving was something real. It didn’t feel real. In all honesty I did feel caught up with a lot of things for a lot of reasons.
The way you treated me, I felt was indirectly wrong. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel this way and I understand that you yourself were just following your own heart which left me sitting in a dark corner with a donkey hat on. It is just me really.
One slap in the face with a fish was okay. I could take it and push forward beyond the lines of mere embarrassment and rejection and still try to follow my heart. The second time did make me stop in my tracks, the third made me sit down and think and the fourth made me walk away. I was upset…quite hysterically actually, but there was really no point in all of it. All that energy and time I focused within you had all gone to waste. Why did I let you get the best of me? I am a standing brick which never faltered and after you came the tumbling and eroding of my life commenced. Not entirely, but you know what I mean.
I was happy for you that you were able to find happiness. Everyone deserves to find someone or something that truly makes them happy. Even if what makes you happy sounds like a walking Barbie doll, but I am in all honesty happy for you.
Me on the other hand, I know I have grown. That weird gravitational effect you had gets severely weaker and weaker every single day…with a pinch of a repel effect.
Some people said I needed space. “…that’s what people need.” I’m not like everyone else and I’m glad I’m not.
I’m proud of myself for not taking the easy way out this time.
I’m proud of myself for not giving up on you when things didn’t go as I had planned at first. It made me realize that love is something worth fighting for sometimes. If I had, things would not be the same today.
I’m proud of myself for sticking to my guns, although shooting them would have made me feel a lot more satisfied, but I stuck to them and you and I managed to have an even stronger friendship than I think we both never would have expected.
I’m proud of myself for showing you how I felt, both good and bad.
And now, I am proud of myself for letting you go.
Letting you go…I never thought I would have done. Actually I did…but for some reason I always kept my hopes real high telling myself that maybe one day things would actually work out. I started to base all my energy on those assumptions which made my love for you grow, but today…today is today and I’ve decided not to really think about things 5, 10 or 15 years down the road. There is no point really. Yes maybe it could still happen…but there is a 1% chance of that happening the way I would want, so I took all my energy off that and I’m glad I did, because It has let me let go of you and live everyday knowing that there are other things to do out there and more people to meet.
So basically, I’ve probably undergone the longest emotionally, hilariously-wrecked, most awkward and peculiar to others kind of journey with you. It was fun whilst it lasted.
Can’t wait to see you soon though and start even more and better memories with you.